My husband installs it like we just entered our ✨luxury era✨and then gives the boys a full tutorial like he’s hosting a TED Talk.

“Keep your legs closed.” Sir… why are we making this sound like a team sport??

Meanwhile I walk in and this toilet has more buttons than my oven.

There’s:

• a lady wash

• a massage setting (why does my toilet need spa options??)

• a dryer

• AND a child button

I’m just standing there like… do I sit or do I sign a waiver first??

So Ryder goes in to try it. He sits down…but before he’s even remotely ready… he hits a button.

And not a gentle button. Not a “let’s ease into this new lifestyle” button.

NO!!!.

He hit the launch sequence.

This thing doesn’t spray. It FIRES.

A full-force stream of water shoots out like we’ve installed a pressure washer INSIDE the toilet.

It hits me. Immediate soak—left side, hair, shirt, dignity—gone.

Skylar takes a side hit to the FACE and yells:

“MOM IS THIS POO POO WATER?!”

And before I can even process what’s happening….this thing reaches my BED.

MY BED!!!!

Like I’m sorry… why is my toilet capable of long-distance attacks??

Now I’m yelling, the kids are screaming, and my husband—who brought this chaos into our home—is nowhere to be found.

Probably off somewhere like, “it’s very user friendly.” So yeah.

We didn’t buy a bidet. We bought a high-pressure betrayal system. 🚽💦

Anyone else’s husband buy some contraption that was not as glorious as they thought…??